Taking a glance back on how I got to where I am, the here, the now, this very second of this very day.  Yes, I have made many, actual numerous, so-called uncalled for mistakes.  Some of which I cannot really remember making the actual choices.  I know thinking back on the surrounding happenings of those specific situations that I was ultimately, not at all, consciously aware of how I felt and what the implications of the choices were.  But I am okay with that, now.  Only now that I have seen that no matter what any situation asks from us, that the Will of God is so perfectly implemented in our lives, that no matter where you are, what you decide, deciding not to decide, still takes us to that one perfect, imperfect little moment when we can look back and say, this is where I was meant to be.  This is what life expected from me.  Even when I failed miserably, I failed like I was supposed to.  I paid the school fees; I earned that degree.  I really was there, I did that, I got the T-shirt.

Knowing that every one of these moments, all the little things made me be who I am supposed to be.  It made me behave more conscious is my thoughts and made me think about things, not only before I do them but also in a great sense before I allow them to happen.  This is what has made me come to the point where appreciation for who I am has a greater new meaning.

All of us could probably right a list or a few pages or even a book on the battles, wars and waters we have walked and swam through.  And those are the important things.  But what did we take with us from those moments?  Only the story telling scars.  Or did we actually take those life changing skills and implement them into our daily living to change the outcome of the next undecided, non-conscious thing that was bound to happen in our lives even though we were ready for it or not.  Asking yourself this, will not change the behavior of how we attend to any situation, but it does help me realize whether I should be thinking about certain situations differently.

At times it seems easy to be the one that got broken by others.  It is easier to call someone else on those things that went wrong.  But I have seen that it is only a stationary moment when we do not really have the energy physically to face up to this.  Sure, it was not your choice, but in this situation, we had a choice to allow this in our environment, life, place of safety or even just within ourselves. 

With making a choice in my personal life, where I was asking the questions repeatedly to myself to why I was not feeling at home with what was going on around me on a daily base, I had to start looking for a different treasure.  First, I had to decide what the treasure was and meant to me.  How pleasurable it was going to be to my life and the lives of those who are part of mine.  I knew it was going to change my daily outcome, monthly and yearly my life needed to start projecting and looking a little different.  Point was, I needed change.  Not for the sake of benefit for the physical me, but for the sake of my soul, for the sake of the me who was cramped inside a small box to scared to breathe or move or even have a small opinion of any circumstance or choice in my own being. 

So, getting back to looking at the scars, I realized I had wounds that was not healing.  Those type of wounds that really needed care, critical care from a specialist.  The more I looked at them the more I realized they were much deeper than I first wanted to be acknowledged them to be when the occurred.  I chose to tell myself they were not that bad and would heal by themselves.  Here is the problem.  That not even the smallest cut can heal in infected waters.  This took time to acknowledge, and then it took a lot of time to accept.  I do sometimes whish that it did not take so much time, but that’s had to be the price I paid to get to the place where it matters to me daily.  I had to pay the price of time. 

In the end we all want an answer to the why.  My answer evolved to you, yourself, your inner being falling into place, being the why.

-Mel S